anjani siddhartha

I was a good girl this year... and this was my Christmas gift, my own James Bond BMW Z3 : )

anjani siddhartha

IBJJF Pro Dec. 2014

WHITE / Adult / Female / Medium Heavy
First - Anjani Siddhartha - Gracie Jiu-Jitsu Academy
Second - Kathryn Bennett - Gracie Barra 

anjani siddhartha

anjani siddhartha

Just another poem about the 

passing of time:

It is not about winning or losing… 

we all lose at the end of the fight.

Buddha once told me: 

“ All is just a mirage”

The smiles will be forgotten,

the tears long dried.

It is not about winning or losing,

or how many victories we have…

it is just a silly game of a feeble mind,

to make us forget 

we are running out of time.

Please don’t remind me of the “eternal

nature of life”…

words get lost as we

get lost in day to day social activities

and the like…

Is is not about winning or losing,

I realized: 

we all lose 

at the end of the fight.

Anjani

Dec. 2 / 2014.

anjani siddhartha

anjani siddhartha
WORLDS 2014 jiu jitsu championship gold medal white belt middle weight division

anjani siddhartha

Anjani Siddhartha and BJJ world champion Roberto "Cyborg" Abreu at the IBJJF international in long beach, California Oct. 2014

1. 
   

anjani siddhartha gracie jiu jitsu

Gracie jiu jitsu academy anjani siddhartha

anjani siddhartha

Being good is not enough !

I cried when a bird hit a wall.

Lighted candles at a peace walk,

told a lover to leave me so as not

to being the one to say “goodbye;

I wanted to suffer all alone…just

like an avatar, to make the other’s pain

my own….

Never meant to be the cause of sorrow,

but to bring a little joy.

But, being good is not enough !

Life still treats me like a second class

citizen of earth.

It is easy to be a deluded yogi and 

pretend this is not real…

or I can be another Nietzsche and

say: “Isn’t living wanting to be different?”

what is the purpose of the make-up if the

face one day is going to disappear?

How come I keep coming back and 

repeating the same words and actions

for a thousand years ?

Collecting people, laughs and sorrows

along the way, and so many things

I forgot their names… 

they come and go in a chain

that time keeps breaking into tiny pieces.

Who can say what the purpose is ?

6 billion views and I express my own 

as I see fits…

Is there not real purpose but just a 

walk into the darkness of an abyss 

and the wondering along the eternal way ?

anjani

sep. 26. 2014

anjani siddhartha

                                           Anjani Siddhartha Brazilian jiu-jitsu Champion

anjani siddhartha

Anjani Siddhartha

With the Legend , Rickson Gracie 8th degree black and red belt in Gracie Jiu-Jitsu and MMA world Champion at the Vulkan California Open jiu jitsu tournament 2014.

anjani siddhartha

Anjani Siddhartha

“In praise of aloneness”

In waken up in the mornings 

I can stretched  out in bed,

look at the clock by my side and 

go into the blankets again.

Then, walk naked into the

kitchen  to make black coffee

to start off my day.

No one to tell me “get dress !”

Tv or music ? my choice as well.

I can leave dirty the dishes and

panties at least for today,

Wash them later I may.

Driving my car in silence, except

for heavy metal and rock !

not one to tell me:

“please turn it off ! “

Not one to call… what a relief,

I can sit and just think.

this is my conclusion:

“Life is just a passing dream”

Keep on reading my new book:

“I Am That: Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj’’

until my eyes hurt and then 

go to my Brazilian Jiu Jitsu class.

Write poems as they come to mind,

expose my feelings to the world at large,

Let my hair grow or cut it off 

without asking anyone.

Touch myself if the need arise, 

got to the market without a bra.

Speak little and reflect on life,

Just like a mime in a French park.

When sadness comes, let it be,

not need to fight…

smile on the mirrors one more time,

like so many times in the past.

Tears will fall as well, and that’s all right.

Not need to argue about politics

or the left and right,

neither religions and past lives.

When the day comes for Anjani to die,

certainly it won’t be the first time:

Bodies die alone all the time…

in Himalayan caves or in a trailer park.

It won’t make a difference,

to the body/mind…

I will follow the journey with

not one by my side.

I am a warrior , all right ,

of the dark and also the light.

Not stoping now, the price is

beyond this mortal life.

Anjani

July 22, 2014

“In praise of aloneness”

In waken up in the mornings 

I can stretched  out in bed,

look at the clock by my side and 

go into the blankets again.

Then, walk naked into the

kitchen  to make black coffee

to start off my day.

No one to tell me “get dress !”

Tv or music ? my choice as well.

I can leave dirty the dishes and

panties at least for today,

Wash them later I may.

Driving my car in silence, except

for heavy metal and rock !

not one to tell me:

“please turn it off ! “

Not one to call… what a relief,

I can sit and just think.

this is my conclusion:

“Life is just a passing dream”

Keep on reading my new book:

“I Am That: Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj’’

until my eyes hurt and then 

go to my Brazilian Jiu Jitsu class.

Write poems as they come to mind,

expose my feelings to the world at large,

Let my hair grow or cut it off 

without asking anyone.

Touch myself if the need arise, 

got to the market without a bra.

Speak little and reflect on life,

Just like a mime in a French park.

When sadness comes, let it be,

not need to fight…

smile on the mirrors one more time,

like so many times in the past.

Tears will fall as well, and that’s all right.

Not need to argue about politics

or the left and right,

neither religions and past lives.

When the day comes for Anjani to die,

certainly it won’t be the first time:

Bodies die alone all the time…

in Himalayan caves or in a trailer park.

It won’t make a difference,

to the body/mind…

I will follow the journey with

not one by my side.

I am a warrior , all right ,

of the dark and also the light.

Not stoping now, the price is

beyond this mortal life.

Anjani

July 22, 2014

I don’t have to chew broken glass

to prove anything to anyone,

It is enough for me to know

what is behind the restless mind.

Not need for me to go to war,

that is what religions are for,

to bluntly say:

“I am right and you are wrong”

I am not new at this, 

I am an old wolf, can

trace my steps to the beginning

of it all…

Time is running out and soon

this body will have to go…

can’t say I am happy but

sad sure I am not.

Some may get angry by the

way I use some words,

I am not here to please,

so it It's Not My Fault.

The search for paradise went

on and on, until one day in the last

corner of the soul, not-thing was found,

ah ! the irony of this world….

Then I sat down on an imaginary rock:

“Mmm, so this is all a dream”

came a silent thought… “I” “me” “it” “them”

I get it…the beginning of it all…

Anjani

june 18. 2014

anjani siddhartha

I can easily pretend that all is well…
just keep on walking with my head 
held high, slight smile on my lips;
but each step will carry within the 
pain of previous lives’s broken dreams.

I can focus in the present, I know,
but that too will be pretending the
line from there to here
is an imaginary one…and from
now till then, a non existent time.

As to the where and how, it is
been my long time desire: to
see myself as the absolute,
without needs and longings;
the “other” disappearance…

But this physical reality hits me
in the head like a zen master with
an iron rod…. the mad monkey king
of the Chinese lore:
He hits, he prances and away he goes !

Then I lower my face and laugh,
a few minutes later I may cry…
then, my mystic mood sets in:
not face, not tears only light and dark.
Existence at its prime.

When I open my eyes,
I am still here, going nowhere…
eternal presence like a soft
breeze carrying a bittersweet lullaby.
Life’s eternal dance.

Anjani

July 16, 2014

I wish I was Kali….

When I read the news and see the child’s limbs

blown away by “smart” bombs and stupid brains

behind it all… I wish I was goddess Kali

to step on evil’s heads…

to unroot the violent end.

When it all began?  the hate, the division of the blind ?

Some may say “ Kali you are just as bad”.

But you must not forget : I destroy just the evil ones !

The ones that kill just because they can,

they love to inflict the pain, to cause the greatest harm…

Body, I know, it will not last; still, on this day,

I wish I was Kali at least once….

Anjani 

july 14, 2014

anjani siddhartha

See me pushing mind wall coverings 
to the side,
every single day since I wake-up…
daily living is an alibi.

What is my excuse for not being right?
I read “sacred books” and I laugh,
is it not enough to cry and dance?
to be here, to be alive?

I have enough of answers trying to
be “the one”,
just points of view that humans have
until the day the body dies.

Let me just hear the silent notes of
the wind outside,
not eyes, not windows…
sitting here-now with open hands.

Not way, not path… birds fly, sun shines,
water in my face, not future , not past…
sensations, mind movies…just watch.
Call it zen or nirvana, or not name is fine.

I AM here-now, can’t stop giggling at
this game of life…
even tragedies that break the heart,
at the end, I will still be ALIVE…

Anjani

July 3, 2014

Love poem for F…..

It was you who walked into my dream,
walking slowly towards me…
in a blue coat and a slight silent
grin closing the space between.

I didn’t say a thing,
did’t ask your name or the world
you lived in… didn't  bother
to check if I was awake still.

Now you are before my eyes,
Is this real? hard to believe.
how did you find me again in
the middle of countless beings?

I know you have come for me,
did any one send you? or this is
how it is supposed to be ?
Please, don’t tell me it is fantasy.

ANJANI

JUNE 26, 2014

Running trying to catch a Dragonfly
thru the dense forests of the mind,
just a day escaping from the past…

But the feeling is too intense, 
“I am still here”
I can’t live in a pretense.

An stupid little phrase stops me on
my tracks:
“This is not what I had in mind”

Won’t let others define who I am…
I have chosen my own path,
dead ends and all, it is my plight…

In this toy store called “the world”,
many things to choose from…laughter,
fears and regrets…a few surprises too.

The feeling is too intense, I won’t deny.
can’t say not to living,
it is an eternal flight…

Don’t know the end of this story,
never ending as it seems, but deep down
all I know it is just a passing dream…

anji

June 25, 2014

anjani siddhartha

anjani siddhartha

anjani siddhartha

I just go on living as if nothing is around me,
the faces I encounter are as
blurry as the background of
a picture taken long ago…

I stop to smell the flowers,
I don’t care how long the road.
I forget about finances
when I see the sky above…

Boyfriends run away because I am not the norm,
My hands are always empty,
so I can feel the breeze
and dance at night under the stars alone…

Many times I don’t brush my hair just
like the mad yogis of Varanasi, the City of Sadhus.
People think I am going crazy, because I stand
to look at the sun, I need my daily dose,
they don’t understand it is mutual love !

In my room there are not candles
but lots of paintings on the walls,
in my bed there is a book with all the pages torn…
poems scattered like a carpet on the floor.

Just another day in Anjani’s busy life,
full of dreams and not desires,
except to BE the light and live
beyond the known…

Anjani ©

May 22 , 2014

Time to leave ?

playful Anji

anjani siddhartha

anjani siddhartha

Who said Anji can't smile ?

anjani siddhartha

They come and go, lovers, friends and
pop corn…
I am still here trying to hold on,
but will soon let go….
Passing moments even if we 
love for them to become lifetimes.
Why are we afraid to let them die?
Today is already gone and time
is not longer the dame of prize.
I am still here, for a brief reprise ,
to say the least without a cry.
Can I write again without being
too bright ? pretending to know
what I never tried.
My fingers twitch to touch again,
to feel the flesh to feel the pen.
Who am I to get in life’s way?
Just let it flow, like a sudden rain,
a little drop that feeds the pain…
unexpected laughter that fills the air,
I am back, once more to
walk on earth.

anjani

apr. 25, 2014

anjani siddhartha

You write me a text on 
my cell phone,
tell me you really want me…
that you need me.
emoticons, cute, sexy words 
That do little for me…
Maybe you are drunk or
don’t really mean it.

Maybe is my mystic mood,
thinking about death and
who I am meeting in
my next phase, another place
to give my life meaning.

I go out at night, look at
the starry sky and gaze
like a loony inside a concrete
cage, surrounded by barb wire
and guard posts with not escape.

I read again, my past lives notes,
the one’s I clearly recall.
Keep repeating the same moves,
the same mistakes I made over
100 years ago
when I was born in France as
Maupassant.

Re-read again my past lives in
India and Tibetan caves and ask
myself:
why…why do I repeat the same
mistakes all over again?

There is not god that I can blame,
it is just me, and only me, all
over again….got to be strong,
have a clear mind to see beyond
just like Buddha’s words…

Anjani

ap. 10, 2014.

anjani siddhartha

SONG
(someday, no far away…)

Someday, no far away
I will be walking head high
without fears.

One day, soon is the hope,
when you come home,
I will be no more,
face with not tears.

Don’t ask me why,
just look my eyes:
I am not here.

There will be no cries,
body cold as ice,
long hair wet…
don’t blame yourself.

Not need to hear
more empty words,
from this annoying voice.

Someday, no far away
I will be walking head high
without fears…

Just remember me
without regrets,
the times we laughed,
the poems I wrote…

And when you hug
the rigid body, just know
I am in a better place,
where there is
not need to feel ashamed.

Someday, no far away
I will be dancing out
in space
without any fears…

Anji

March 7, 2014

anjani siddhartha

From now on,I will live as if I am dreaming
(perhaps I am).

Adore the casual meetings with strangers 
in a park, the one hour conquests
that later vanish without saying goodbye.

I will not dread the arrival of bad news,
I can just turn my head and pretend
they are not true…

Je vais parler français ….
I will speak french with the dead and
watch the expression of their
pale faces…quel plaisir !

Dance instead of walking, listening
to the sound of accordions in my
purple mind.
( I can paint it any color I want).

Taste the sour-sweetness of a
fresh pineapple even
when not eating.

Homes are made of cotton
instead of concrete
in my wonderland.

I will share my laughter,
I will shed not tears…
getting up from bed in the mornings
there will be not more fears.

I will let go of pain by saying:
“This too shall pass”
and go to bed, hide under the covers
smile to myself and close my eyes.

Ah ! here I come…the constant dreamer,
see the clouds? they are made of gold,
shiny silver dust and tiny glass stars.

Being alone doesn’t have to
mean being lonely, I will always
have myself by my side.

I can talk to Nietzsche, Osho and
Maupassant…we will share a
glass of wine and argue about
the meaning of life.

Then, and only then, lay down
on the grass, look up at the dark skies
and feel with all my senses
the magic of being alive.

Anji

Ap.3 , 2014

anjani siddhartha

Mind eaten by thoughts, 
body shrinking with time.
Smelling the end of my fingers
is a custom I have.

Don't disturb me while
I am dreaming, it is impolite.

Sorry if I don't hear your loud cries,
I am way too busy waiting for this
body to die.

Madness is my escape
to the divine.
Guilty and uninspired I left it all
to chance.

Lumbering in darkness to hide
this heinous crime: to expose
the secrets of this
trembling mind.

Is there a need to brush my hair
if I not longer care?
Let the mirror lie.

If I AM here, who is there?
why deny the smell of
Coco Chanel?

Nietzsche said god is dead,
I swear it wasn’t me…
How can I kill someone that
doesn’t exist?

I better go , it is getting late,
what the future holds when
it open its gates? maybe a new
Starbucks with the flavor of the day.

Anjani

THE UNION OF THE OPPOSITES

Unity of opposites...

the visible and the unseen,

male/female apparent division,
Moon in her constant Sun embrace.

Day falling in the arms of night,

the Taoist Yin and Yang.

Anjani, the Sensual and the ascetic...
lover of music and silent eyes.

Today dancing in the crowd,
tomorrow sitting alone in
 the middle
of nowhere or
swimming naked in a summer lake.

I like this, I don’t like that,
war and peace, religion and mundane,
the two sides of a coin inside
a mystic brain.

To be asleep or to be awake.

to feel hungry or to eat at in-n-out.

the choice ...the final decision arrives:
is it this or that ?

To live or to die,
the tear and the laugh...
to shower with the rain.

The exploration of the metaphysical planes,
to go beyond black and white,
pleasure and pain,

the sacred and the profane.

Ahhh...earth what a place...
the illusion the yogis call Maya,
so real yet it evaporates.

Ahhh...enough for today,
I am too lazy
to write another word
repeating the inexpressible
over and over again...

anji
March 27, 2014

anji pole dance

STEPPING ASIDE

Stepping aside from conventional rules

believed to be a societal must.

Found an embrace, a lust for tonight

to make me not to remember my plight.

Throwing my cares again to the wind,

giving my body to you in a whim,

Midnight till 3 in the morning, 

didn’t care about my sleep.

Running in highways I build in my dreams.

He caress my back, my neck, my thighs…

mind stops thinking, sensations

takes over and I just let it be….

Worries vanish at least for a moment  when

you kiss my lips…

The warm of your body makes my head spin,

is this Zen? or at least it seems….

The death of the body you make me  forget,

and paying my debts, at least for a day…

The magic of the sensual encounter, 

to many a sin in disguise,

to me, it is bliss of a marvelous kind !

Anji

march 25, 2014

TALKING TO MY IMAGINARY LOVER

Please pull up your pillow a little higher, I want to

rest my weary head across your hairless chest,

run my fingers throughout your tummy with closed

eyes and soft breath.

Por favor, answer me these questions

that are burning in my mind:

why do we all have to die?

what is the purpose of this short, short life?

My soft skin will be dust in the fire of cremation,

teeth and bones will crackle with old age.

I know, I know, of the eternity of the self,

but I won’t be Anjani once again !

All that is dear will be lost and gone:  family,

my Hanuman collection and my dog.

My sexy butt and little breast will be not more,

the sexy photos…all my paintings will be dust.

Yes, I do remember the non-attachment

Buddha preached in the gardens, 

it is easier said than done…how can I forgive

your kisses and the way we make love?

I can run to the mountains and become a 

drifter old Sadhu: matted hair, sprinkle

ashes of the dead all over my naked body,

roam the Ganges… you think that will do?

Maybe walking by the river, lifting little stones,

put them in my purse then build small castles,

and carve faces of ancient goddess

until the day I drop.

What if there is not purpose and just being here is

enough? Let the bees fly around me,

watch the sunset and enjoy the little time

I have remaining with or without you.

But how about the pain ? the loneliness, being

sad and sick ? don’t’ say “c’est la vie” , that’s life…

The hunger is so real, even baby Krishna was

a “butter thief”… you can see his dirty hands !

Some say I am enlightened or just a Divine 

Colombian/Californian born slut… 

that I have all the answers 

but pretend that I don’t know…

Are we on some type of cruel vacation 

on earth’s reality show ? 

some say this body was created

by Aliens or by some God unknown…

All I want is your arms around me, 

lay in bed by your side, use

all my senses: smell, touch and sight…

that will do it for me at least this time.

Just for one day I want to stop the madness

not more out-of-body talk;

keep kissing my neck and pull my hair

until I get lost.

Past, present and future get out of my way 

once and for all …

To live here-now, what a silly little phrase !!!

I live there and then to get far, far away…

Anjani

march 19, 2014

anjani siddhartha

Many times I paint myself into dark corners, 

only to escape by jumping from 

the windows of my imagination

to the emptiness below.

I can fly just fine, 

not need to borrow

butterfly’s wings…float, pass thru glass,

like an aimless ghost without alibi.

March 16 full moon likes to play 

with my emotions like a puppet

in the hands of destiny…

moods swing like old cloths on a rope

moved by the wind.

Standing in front of the mirror in

the silence of midnight,

I don’t see my image, only reflections

of a thousand tiny shining lights.

Be quiet, you foolish mind !

stop the voices and the images…

let me be deaf and blind 

at least once.

I try to run from the void fully knowing that it

is a futile effort, it will soon come:

the nothing-ness of not forms.

I saw it in my past life as Maupassant…they 

called me crazy then, 

maybe now I can pass as “normal”

and have the last laugh, once again.

Sexual pleasures are the ultimate escape, it is so

close to Nirvana that most times I forget and get lost

in the madness of the flesh.

I will go on eating, write, sculpt and paint…

shape my body with weigh lifting ,

do the Karma yoga thing, Act without acting

and pretend this is it.

Anjani

March 17, 2014

anjani siddhartha

TO THE MEN IN MY LIFE (reflections on the past)

I still don’t understand why…

Was I too smart ? too young ? too old ?

too Harsh ?

for you to disappear from my life…

Maybe not enough woman to make you

feel a real man.

I know I get a little crazy at times, throw
my phone across the room when I get
depressed or get mad;

break the mirrors on the wall with my bare hands.

Look around !

it maybe why: clothes piled

on the floors, the tables and divan…

and the kitchen! dirty dishes and the salt is 

hard to find.

Oh…I see the books laying on the bathroom tiles, 

“Tibetan book of the dead”, Buddha,

Lao -Tzu , The Gita  

and the poems of Maupassant….

I begin to understand…

I always talk about alien life when you just want to go

to bed and play the man.

Then I proceed to tell you about my past lives, astral

travels and the other side.

Maybe you are Christian and I am way too much…

or my body is not what you expected, 

I am stronger than you are…

Maybe you are afraid of me,

my tattoos make me a rebel in your eyes.

Maybe I am boring even if I think

that I am being fun…

I am also way too stringent and know what I really like.

keep running, save your life ! I may forgive you, 

once, twice or thrice…after that will never want

to see your shadow day or night.

I give you my body and intellectual mind, 

in return you have to give me 

your devotion and be mine.

You told me “will be forever by your side”.

it was the biggest lie, you are a fake, 

I am way to real for your laughs.

I still don’t understand why…

Or maybe I do, 

and just want to play the part.

anjani

march 14, 2014

anjani siddhartha

My Life so far, is a mixture of tears and wine,
not a sweet carnival on a boulevard,
neither bloodshed by a roadside.

Tearing the curtains of the mystery that lies
behind, 
an everyday pursuit, as if I was blind.

Who/what contains the answers to all the riddles
of life?

I look inside of empty coffee cans,
behind the dumpsters and the lonely
dreams at night.

Searched in old books, smelling each page,
as if it was the last.

Ate a banana peel to taste the blood of plants,
Carved a niche on the wall to place my empty heart.

Tried to invent new words to confused the mind,
like zen masters do, wanting to transcend
and go to otherworldly lands.

Stop for a moment, listen to opera, which I still
don’t understand… the cacophony of noises coming
from the act.

Still fight the flesh, is it really mine?
the internal battle continues
between carnal pleasures and the abstinence of
imaginary “Gods”.

All of that in one single day!
it is like watching a movie
with an endless end…

The screen goes blank,
all the seats are empty,
all of them...
except mine.

anjani

march 10/2014